snow day/mental health day

I was called off school today. Kindergarten was cancelled. It is a miracle. We almost never close. We are not actually closed now. But we will close at 3pm. We are usually open until 6pm. So, I got an unexpected call as I was on my way in...cause we never close and if we are open class goes on. But, now I am home. I will take Daisy on her first *snow walk*. It was waaay too cold for her to have a *snow walk* the last time it snowed.

It is fortuitous that I have today off, although it may mean I cannot get to my beloved home group meeting. I am having a life crisis wherein I get to fall to pieces and then try to put it all together again. Fortunately I have Divine and human help in this cause I could NOT do it alone. I really needed a day to be quiet and work with myself and my Deity and just gather myself. I have a great deal of work to do both spiritual and life stuff. None of it is really *new* just much clearer now. And vitally important to my physical, spiritual, and mental health that I do this work now. Cause it won't go away or anything. This we know.

another poem

I came
A barren wasteland inside
Sick and broken outside
No smile
No tear
Desparation
I stayed
Willing
Willing to suspend disbelief
Willing to try, without hope
Struggling
Day by day
Moments of awe
Hours of despair
Moments of despair
Days of awe
Growing
Changing
Slowly, painfully
Pain becomes
Real joy
Truth becomes the quest

A poem in honour of Brigid

Fire within
Fire without
Dross burned away
Truth glows brightly from the
heart of the flames
Edges glinting
A gem of freedom
In flames of transformation

Marjie Douty 2.2.2007

Seventeen Years

I want people whose blogs I read to post more...and here's me. I haven't posted for over a month. I do have an excuse. I was gifted a new puppy. A boxer/lab mix from the local shelter. Daisy. She is 3 months old. We brought her home on the 26th of December. She has tripled in weight and size since then. Currently a little over 12 pounds. She is adorable and energetic. So, I've been busy. Our other dog is over 7 and he's not too demanding. Daisy is a whole 'nother story. I think she is the dunce of puppy class. But, she does the commands at home. Maybe she's just shy. Not. But, she has a big distraction in another puppy, Tessie, a golden lab. But, other than puppy care, I've been trying to keep up on the classes I need to keep my teaching certificate. Easier to do things in a timely fashion than to wait until the very last minute and then panic.

On a different note, today I have been sober for exactly 6,209 days. That's 17 years one day at a time. It's funny. It's not like I didn't know how much time I had. I did , of course. But, once I began to think about it I realized I am fast approaching being sober longer than the span of time I was alive before getting sober. It's a kick to realize one has been sober longer than one drank. But, I passed that one up a while ago. It sets me to thinking about how this all came about and where the hell am I going. And scary pledges to Brigid an all. Cause you know that whatever you pledge, it will not look a bit like what you thought it would. Therein lies the scary. But, then, getting sober didn't look a bit like what I thought it would either. And having 17 years doesn't look like what I thought it would either. I thought I would be such a sage. What crap. And the work doesn't get any easier. Just different. Oh, it changes. Yes, yes. It all changes very much. I am not the person I was ten years ago, let alone 17 years ago. But, I am, at my core, still the same person. And I carry the memories of all those changes in my bones. That's why the fear. I was afraid 17 years ago. Gods, I think that was the main emotion in my life. That and rage. Now, I can be afraid and know it and walk through anyway. But the experience of past *walks* tells me the unknown will open and I will walk through. Sometimes I'm not sure if that's brave or foolish. But, so far, I have not been lead astray.
So, here's to *doing it afraid, baby!*